I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
