I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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