Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
