I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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