you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
