"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
