i think my tv is drunk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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