i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She bit a glass in half.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
