I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
