I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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