I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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