Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
