He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
