Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize