it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
