My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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