He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
