If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
