Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
