I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
