Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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