a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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