Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could teleport
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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