haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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