his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
