Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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