he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
