I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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