on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
