I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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