I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
