My nipple is on Facebook.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
