I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
