I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
