The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
