Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
