i permit you to call me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
