Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
