I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
