That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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