dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
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