we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
