So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
