Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
