yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
