i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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