did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
