Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
