im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
