you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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