I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
