What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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