New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
